Are You Ignoring The Red Flags?

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I’ve recently been asked questions regarding relationships and realized from my own experiences that ignored red flags are often a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling.

You shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable.

It’s essential to get to KNOW YOURSELF in every possible way before you move into a committed relationship. Often, individuals go in search of a relationship without this essential knowledge. But how can you ever hope to know another individual if you don’t know yourself first?

I’ve witnessed and ignored red flags and was even  red flag myself until I really knew and accepted ME!

At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.”

A really good exercise I ask my clients to do is to write down every partner they’ve had a significant relationship with, and then, for each, answer questions such as: What attracted you to this person initially? Did the attraction last? Was your fantasy about this person—what you imagined or assumed to be true—validated in reality? How long did the relationship last? Did revelations during the course of the relationship change your mind? What was the deal breaker? Do any patterns, similarities from relationship to other relationships, emerge?

Learn to ask the hard questions out of the gate, the first or second time you meet someone, before opinions are solidly formed. Most of us seem to do much better when we have no real expectations of someone, because we hardly know who they are and are not yet trying to impress them.

And watch for red flags—indicators that something needs to be questioned or otherwise validated. Often these are clues that something may be trouble in the future. Here are 10 key relational red flags to look out for:

  1. Lack of communication. These individuals find it difficult to talk about issues or express how they feel. Often, when it would seem most important to be open and honest, they distance themselves emotionally, leaving their partner hanging, or having to deal with a situation on their own. Often, whatever is “communicated” is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the dreaded “silent treatment.”
  2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills—taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future. Small crises surrounding the way they live their daily life may take up a lot of time and energy. If so, there may be little time and energy left for you and your issues. These people may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.
  3. Lack of trust. When a person has difficulty being honest with himself or herself, it may be hard for them to be honest with you. Some of this behavior may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned way or habit of coping. However, being out-and-out lied to is a no-brainer. A person who holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and lacks respect for their partner. You may feel, and rightly so, that there are a lot of “missing pieces,” so much that you don’t know or that is purposely hidden from you.
  4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you so well, you may need to listen to what they’re telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new “beloved” may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear these people out.
  5. Controlling behavior. Similarly, a partner may attempt to “divide and conquer,” driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life. They may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to them. Sometimes, they may make you choose them over significant others as an expression of “love.”
  6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where the it’s heading. You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little.
  7. A dark or secretive past. Behaviors that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviors that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship are obvious red flags. But you shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. (Of course, if a person has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for their own good and for the good of the relationship, that is a different story.)
  8. Non-resolution of past relationships.These include not just intimate relationships but those with family members and friends. If a person is unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems, you can bet with a great deal of confidence that the same thing could happen with your relationship.
  9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Often we enter into a relationship strongly identified with our needs. The need may be that you, my partner, must do certain things for me to make me feel secure and satisfied, or that you allow me, your partner, to feel needed by fulfilling your needs. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.
  10. Abusive behavior. Finally, and of course, any form of abuse, from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious—verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

 

 

 

 

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Are you consistent?

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In order to be successful in anything you do you MUST be consistent. In fact, that may be the reason why you haven’t reached your goals yet. Yikes.

Just think about it like this…

  • Beyonce didn’t just drop one hit and become BEYONCE.
  • Serena didn’t just pick up the rack occasionally to become the greatest tennis player in the world.
  • You can’t get your dream body from just working out and eating healthy every once in a while.

Are you getting it now?

And I know, I know. It’s hard to be consistent when you’re doing it on your own. For a lot of us we consistently go work because we HAVE to. Which means we’re capable of being consistent in other areas too!

So think about something right now. One thing you want more than anything! A goal that you’ve been working towards for a minute but you just seem to keep falling off the wagon.

What is that one thing you can do everyday to help you get there?

Got it?! . . . . . Great!!!

Now, that’s you’ve got your goal, join the consistency challenge and keeping doing that one thing  you need to reach your goal for 30 days! That’s right for the ENTIRE month of JUNE!

I want you to win sooo bad!

Here are some tips on how to be consistent!

Keep your eye on your WHY?

Think about it like this. It’s way easier to save money when you have something you’re saving for like a house or car.

Find that something that keeps you going. What are you doing it for? Freedom, kids, spouse, happiness…? Remind yourself of this.

What’s the priority?

Raise of hands. How many of us has a longgg list of goals? . . . Ahem. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, but at the end of the day what is most important? What is priority. You need to figure this out to know what always comes first. This way you never have to get flabbergasted trying to figure out what goal you should tackle when things get to be ‘too much”. It will always be your priority.

Keep going. Fast.

We’re human, but we’re magical. You may get off track every once in a while BUT you must get right back on fast! Or else you’ll find yourself having to start over.

Know your triggers.

Sometimes you just feel out of it and you need that extra push, that extra sauce. For many people that push may be music, prayer, a motivational video. Whatever that thing is. Use it. Refresh and get back to work. Your dreams are ready to become reality.

Ignore your feelings.

There are gonna be days when you just don’t feel like it. But nobody cares so you HAVE too! Ignore those feelings and keep push. You got this.

Are yall ready!? We start the Consistency Challenge on June 1st.

Text  PRISONBREAK to 66866

Feel free to share!

Love Allie 💛

What I Wish My Wife Knew

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Do you ever wish you could get inside your husband’s head? However open and honest we might want to be in our marriages, there are still some things we wish our spouses knew without us having to tell them. For this reason, I’ve decided that every now and then we’ll address some of these tricky topics ourselves. I’ll start tonight with one of the trickiest topics…

Your husband cares about the way you look.

We have heard many times from many sources that “men are visual.” Still this is a tough topic for many men because historically we have made them feel like it is immature or shallow of them to put so much importance on physical appearance. It’s also a tough one because, since our husbands love us, they do not want to add to the unhealthy messages we receive from culture and the media that we simply are not good enough. How, then, can we take an honest look at this topic without condemning men for their “shallow” feelings or condemning ourselves for not measuring up?

Let’s start by looking back to what it was like before we got married. I don’t know about you, but I wanted to look cute every time I knew I was going to see Garrett. I wanted him to notice me and to be attracted to me. Thankfully, he did and he was. Understanding the ways that guys are visually stimulated worked to my advantage in those days. I understood it and I leaned into it. I made an effort to look good because I cared about the way he thought about me. I never got mad at him or felt resentful when I was looking for the perfect jeans so that he might take a glance as I walked away. I wanted him to be drawn to me.

I’ve heard women say countless times that it is frustrating to them that their husbands no longer romance them and do sweet things for them once they get married. As women, we want to be pursued by those thoughtful little details like we were in the beginning of the relationship. In the same way, I’ve come to learn that men felt similarly pursued by us when we used to make an effort to look our best just to see them. Just like we might miss the flowers and the love notes, he might miss seeing you in something other than sweat pants and a baggy shirt.
Really, I’m preaching to myself here. I work from home and most days wear a uniform for gigs. Some days my office may be on the couch in my yoga pants, cozy hoodie and fuzzy socks.
I realize that my attitude about my appearance could take a toll on my relationship with my husband and we’re still in the honeymoon phase (which is 2 years by the way).

I know …I know what you’re thinking. “Wait until you’ve been married 5, 10 or 15 years”! Well I’ve decided to set my intentions and change my perspective early on.

What if, instead of making our husbands feel like jerks for caring about the way we look, we could remember how much we wanted to look good for them when we were first together? They don’t need us to look like someone else. They just want us to know that they are delighted when we thoughtfully make an effort to care about our own appearance the same way we are delighted when they thoughtfully bring home fresh flowers. Your husband does care about the way you look, but not more than he cares about you and wants to be married to you. 💛

The Emotional Toll of Clutter

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What is your space saying about you — and what is it doing to your energy, mood and outlook on life?

What Is Your Stuff Saying to You?
Different kinds of clutter signify different emotional messages. Here are a few of the most common.

Piles of Other People’s Stuff
You may have trouble setting boundaries, saying no and protecting your own energy reserves. Set time limits for storing other people’s belongings, if you’re going to store them at all, and be firm.

Excessive Reminders of the Past
You might have a tendency to blame the past for your current situation, or to think your best days are behind you. Try letting go of any object — however lovely or sentimental — if looking at it disturbs you or brings you down.

Rarely Used or Never-Been-Used Items
Stacks of unopened or unused items can signal “just in case” thinking, and a lack of trust in the future. They can also signal an aspiration to do or be something you’re not. Make a realistic assessment, then either use or dispense with whatever your “wish self” is hanging on to.

Unfinished Projects
Half-completed paintings and half-finished remodels can suggest an unsustainable perfectionism, and may provoke a sense of failure. Take stock of all the projects you currently have “in process.” Then be willing to let go, clean up and move on.

 

How to Pray to God for a Miracle

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There is no special formula to follow when you pray for a miracle. Since your spiritual journey is unique and distinctive, your method of praying for a miracle will be unique and distinctive too! Develop a prayer routine that aligns with your understanding of what it means to pray passionately, persistently, precisely, positively, and with praise.

1. Pray passionately.

As you pray, allow yourself to be moved by God’s power and grace. Pray with an open and receptive heart. Don’t subdue your emotions—let them out! When you feel moved to tears, allow yourself to cry. When you feel the need to shout, yell! When the spirit calls you to sing, belt out a psalm! Allow your emotions to wash over you.Express how you feel to God and don’t hold back. Pray for your miracle with blind, passionate faith.
Pray takes many forms. You may feel more connected to God when you’re singing or reading and studying the Bible. Allow your times of worship to become prayers to God.
Find what works for you! Everyone is at a different point in their spiritual journey. There is more than one way to connect to God.

2. Pray positively.

Place your faith in God and trust that God will answer your prayers. Remain positive throughout your prayer. Avoid negative phrases including “I know this is a long shot…” and negative thoughts. When you don’t trust in God’s capabilities, you are praying with a doubtful heart. Confess your fears and doubts to God. Allow your passionate faith and blind trust in God remove the burden of doubt from your heart. Remain focused on what God is capable of accomplishing. Be comforted by the knowledge that God is a loving, all-powerful being.
When a doubt or fear arises, don’t wallow in it. Let it go! Do not allow yourself to worry over whether or not your desire will come true. Simply trust that you’ve done everything you can to make it happen. Turn to God in prayer and ask that God alleviate you from the doubt or fear.

3. Pray with praise.

Get creative! Find a meaningful way to personally thank God. Praise God in prayer, thought, and deed. Thank God with a prayerful song, a thought of thanksgiving, or with a kind act. Praise God for His guidance and wisdom. Thank God for calming your fears, for alleviating your self-doubt, and for giving you hope. Praise God for his faithfulness and commitment to you. Sing his praises when your life is at its highest of highs and its lowest of lows. Be grateful to God in all that you do.
Thank God for what He has done in the lives of others.

Love Allie💛

 

The Blessing is Seeing the Innocence in Everyone

 

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I read “A Return To Love” by Marianne Williamson and it totally changed my perspective of the behavior of people and seeing their innocence. It’s not only expanded my compsssion but has opened a pathway to blessings in my own life.

You ever say or heard someone else say: ‘Don’t mind Sue, she didn’t know what  she was doing.”?  This is getting exposed to the wisdom of “going beyond behavior.”

I have children and I very well know the importance of this simple act of forgiveness. If we all had based our love on our children’s behavior, then perhaps none of us would ever have been loved when we were young!

There are many times when you face a situation where someone you love very much just behaves so unreasonable or irrational. I think we need to look beyond behavior and extend this same loving-kindness toward everyone we meet.

I believe we would be then living in a more loving world if, when someone acted in a way that we don’t approve of, we could see their actions in a similar light as our teenager’s offbeat behavior. Perhaps our own behavior in another time or situation in our life.

I am not saying that we walk around ignorant and pretend that everything is always wonderful and allow others to “walk all over us”, or that we excuse or approve of negative behavior.

I simply mean that we must have a perspective to give others benefit of doubt. It is about knowing when someone around you is moving slowly, is disinterested, he is probably having a bad day, or perhaps he thinks all his days are bad.

When your spouse or close friend snaps at you, try to understand that, beneath this isolate act, your loved one really wants to love you, and to feel loved by you. We must look beyond behavior. It is not easy but you can try. It does give some good results.

One of the most frustrating aspects of life is not able to understand other people’s behavior. I have often seen them as “guilty” instead of “innocent.” It is alluring to focus on people’s irrational behavior – their actions, their comments, mean-spirited acts, selfish conduct – and get extremely frustrated.

I believe we focus too much on behavior, it does make our life miserable.

People do weird things – who doesn’t? But we are the ones getting upset, so I trust we are the ones who need to change. Am I talking about ignorance, acceptance, or advocating violence or any other deviant behavior? Well NO! I am talking about learning to be less bothered by the actions of people.

Seeing innocence could be a transformation tool which means that when someone is acting in a way we don’t like, the best way to deal with it is to distance ourselves from the behavior and look beyond it, so that we see the innocence and the root cause of the behavior. Does that make us more compassionate then?  YES!

I have lived and worked with people who had absolutely irrational behavior. If I had focused on the words they used, their tone of voices, and their body language, I could have got annoyed or even angry in my responses. I could see them as ‘guilty”.

But I looked beyond this and then it allowed me to see the innocence in their behavior. Truth underneath even the most vexing behavior is a frustrated person who is crying out for compassion.

So I believe that we all must look for innocence & look beyond behavior. Be compassionate and we will not find it hard to see the innocence. When you see it the same things that irritate you or have frustrated you no longer cease to exist.

And moreover when you are not frustrated by the actions of others, it a lot easier to stay happy and enjoy the beauty of life.

Love Allie💛

Are you constantly disappointed by people? Find out why…..

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“She didn’t even bother to call me on my special day! It was the first day of my new job and my friend just didn’t remember!” said Angie, my thirty-four year old client. “I cannot believe how forgetful she is. I thought by now she would learn that these things hurt me so much!” Angie fretted and fumed for most of the session, venting about how her best friend constantly disappointed her.
I could see how painful this was for Angie; how troubled and hurt she was by what she perceived were her friend’s neglectful ways.
After much empathizing and commiserating, I said to her, “What if, instead of reacting to your friend as if she were the “bad” one, we turned our eyes inward and asked ourselves if we were actually the ones who were creating our own grief.”
Angie immediately pounced on me (as I knew she would), “How am I the “bad” one? How am I creating my own grief?”
I said to her, “You are first creating your own suffering because you are expecting something of her that she is unable to give. You are placing on her a burden that she is ill-prepared to fulfill. Did you ever think of it in these terms?”
Angie took a long time to grasp what I was saying.
When she finally understood, she said, “You are right. She has always been this way. And I have always resented her for it. It is like a habit that we have both fallen into. I prefer to whine and complain because it is so familiar to me. It is far more enjoyable to believe that I am the victim of my friend than taking the time to understand her. But once I do, I see how freeing it is. It feels weird but definitely free.” -Prison Break💛
Many of my clients are like Angie. They take a long time to understand what I am saying. Let’s take it a bit more slowly…
We all grow up in an imperfect world. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. Even the most conscious of parents is going to miss meeting their children’s needs some of the time – let’s not even begin talking about the unconscious ones!
Safe to say, that each one of us grows up with some of our core needs missing – some more extremely than others. As our imperfect parents were unable to meet these needs, we were not only left with an empty void in its place but also, without the tools to meet them for ourselves.
Quite naturally, we look to others – people or substances – to fill this need. The degree to which we turn to external objects and people depends on how great our inner schism is…how big the inner emotional void.
As we unconsciously scavenge the earth for the salve to soothe our wounds, we almost feel entitled to demand that the object of our obsessions meet our needs. When they don’t – as they inevitably cannot heal these primitive wounds – we enter into great resentment and even rage when the fantasy of rescue fails to come true.
It is this inner neediness that creates dysfunction in most relationships. It causes us to see others as a fantasy-salve – instead of limited mortals – and then, when the salve back-fires, we enter great turmoil and anger.
When relationships are predicated on the expectation that a need should be met by the other person, it will always go awry.
Unmet inner need = unrealistic fantasy of object or person = unmet expectations = resentment and rage = conflict and despair = dysfunction and self-sabotage.
Not only do we project unrealistic expectations on others, we also do the reverse: we allow ourselves to be the vessel of someone else’s unrealistic expectations. This is often called co-dependency or enabling. It occurs when we – because we are empty from within and out of touch with our authentic selves – mistakenly believe we are responsible for another person’s pain and should be part of their growth. This lack of self-worth causes us to have extremely poor boundaries.
Contrary to how it appears on the surface, when we enable another – out of a false fantasy that we can “fix” them – we are not actually “giving” them anything. We are feeding our own false fantasy that we are rescuers and magical healers. In this way, our giving is really all about our own self-absorbtion. In our own perverted way, we believe that if we “give” we will finally be seen, heard and validated. Just like one who gives the unrealistic expectation onto the other, the one who receives it is equally at “fault.” Both cripple the other under the weight of their need. Although the enabler appears more “noble” they are actually equally responsible for the dysfunction. By letting the one who dumps the expectations on them believe that they can, they allow them to depend on the enabler to “fix” them. As no one can ever “fix” another human being, both get caught up in an endless cycle of enmeshment and dependency.
It is only when we are aligned with our own authentic self and power that we will end this unhealthy dynamic of searching for emotional security from a source external to ourselves.
It is only when we are aware of our own inner needs and seek to meet these needs on our own that we will be able to engage in healthy relationships with other whole and healthy individuals.
When we are clear that we are own resource for healing and that no-one and I mean no-one can heal us from our past except ourselves – we will free others of the burden of fixing and filling us up.
When we are filled up from within we will not allow another human being to be dependent on us and will not desire to be needed beyond what is healthy. We will allow our loved ones to love us yes, and even need us when there is a true need, but we will resist the desire to be seen as a savior, a martyr, or a rescuer.
Many women especially need to un-learn many of their conditioned patterns which have made them addicted to being seen as “the saviors” – because when they do, they actually cripple both the one they are claiming to save and at the same time, decimating their own authentic self.
People will constantly disappoint us if we are not aware of our own misplaced expectations. 99% of our disappointments stem from the fact that we had an unrealistic expectation that we unconsciously burdened the other individual with in the hopes that they would do the “work” for us – the hard work of transformation that we were not courageous enough to do for ourselves.
The only one who we can ever – and I mean ever – have expectations of is ourselves. Period. Not our parents after a certain point, not our children, and certainly not our spouses or friends. None of them came on earth to rescue us beyond a point. Sure, it is our job to take care of our loved ones, but not in a manner that creates dependency or enmeshment. Then love turns to a deadly mix of passive reliance and toxic control.
Each one of us are precisely designed to engineer our own healing. We just need to believe it and activate this healing element within us all. We are innately and enormously powerful beings – we just don’t believe we are.
It is time for us to take our own healing into our own hands. It is our responsibility to shine with the highest light force and to access our limitless capacity for courage and authenticity. When we do, we cast away toxic ties to other people or substances and begin to fly free – singular but deeply connected to our purpose here on Earth. 🌎