Tansform Your Relationship With Money and Change Your Life

imageStatistics show that within seven years of coming into money, the average person will be living at the same economic level as before the windfall appeared. The explanation for this typically lies in a person’s “money scripts”, the powerful beliefs they formed about money, usually in childhood. These money scripts tend to remain unconscious and tend to be “generational” in that they frequently get passed down from parent to child.

Money scripts can be difficult to spot because they’ll often feel “true” to the person and, in certain circumstances, may even be true. However, if they remain unquestioned, they mean we repeat patterns that deprive us of prosperity and peace of mind.

To give you an idea of what money scripts look like, here are some common ones:

WORKAHOLICS

Once you have enough money, then you’ll be able to relax and enjoy life
You must work hard for money
The more money you have, the happier and safer you will be
Your worth is determined by how much money you make

THOSE WHO HAVE MONEY

You can’t trust anyone with your money
People only want you for your money
You didn’t work for this money, so you don’t deserve it
You mustn’t lose, or make a mistake with, the money you’ve got

THOSE WHO DON’T HAVE MONEY

This isn’t enough money – so there’s no point in trying to save
You’re not worth more (so stay in the job you hate)
Money is bad / evil / unimportant
Rich people got that way by taking advantage of others
You deserve to treat yourself so spending beyond your means is okay

WOMEN

Husbands take care of money so wives don’t have to
Making money is difficult / overwhelming / impossible
You’ll never be able to earn enough, so you need a man with money

MONEY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Understanding what messages you received about money in your childhood is the first step to learning how to communicate with others about money. If you don’t understand your own history and “childhood tapes”, then conversations about money (with spouses, friends, family members, bosses) are unlikely to be as easy and straightforward as they could be.

Statistics suggest that 70% of marital breakdowns are due to money problems. Of course the arguments aren’t actually about the money per se – these disputes happen whether funds are tight or plentiful. What couples are really arguing about is their own attitude to money, and what it represents. Is money for spending and giving away? Is money for safety and security? Does money equal power in a relationship? Does money equal love? Is it acceptable for a wife to earn more than her husband? Does one have to share everything or is it okay to have secret funds (or secret debts) that your partner doesn’t know about?

All sorts of relationship dynamics can get unleashed around money which can represent so many things – power, control, safety, security, status, worth, love. According to research from the American Sociological Association, the more economically dependent a man is on his female partner, the more likely he is to cheat on her. Whilst for women, economic dependency seems to have the opposite effect.

Life changes that shift income – a promotion, a redundancy, giving up work to look after children – also typically shift the power balance in a relationship. When one member of the couple earns less, they may feel they have to take on the role of “pleaser” in the relationship, to make up for not bringing as much to the table. Equally, if the poorer partner feels beholden to the richer one, they’re likely to drop into victimhood or resentment (or both) especially if they’re having to ask for money which can feel humiliating and disempowering.

*awesome article by Psychotherapist Sabrina Weyenth

10 Ways to Let Go and Open Up to Love Again

Imagine if we only had one chance in life to be happy or successful.

In our careers.

In our choice of friends.

Or in love.

What a very sad world it would be if we were all doomed to work in jobs we hated or to hang around people we no longer connect with. Worse yet, what if we lost our chance at love?

Why put yourself through so much pain and suffering for a love that hurts and could end?

Tiny Buddha nailed it.

The reason to give love another shot, I’ve learned, is that by loving better and deeper, we become even more whole. Our hurt and tears clear the fog around our heart and illuminate the soul.

The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.

There are plenty of obstacles keeping us from loving again. Sad to say, I’ve experienced them all.

Here are ten way to let go of the obstacles preventing you from having love in your life.

1. Let go of pain.

You can’t let go of pain  by resisting it. You could avoid the pain for some time, but in order to move on you must fully embrace the pain.

Embracing the pain means experiencing loss, sadness, and grief. As difficult as it might be, allow the tears to flow and share your experience with your friends and family.

Write down your feelings and come to terms with the emotions you’re going through.

Instead of judging yourself harshly for your feelings, wash yourself in compassion for finding the strength to move through your pain.

2. Let go of trespasses.

When you break up, you feel like you want to blame everyone for causing your heartache. This includes not just your ex, but also their parents, your parents, their friends, your friends, and everyone in between.

The only way to stop blaming others  is to forgive them. No matter how grave the offense or how unacceptable their behavior, your healing starts when you let go of the gripe. Yes, it was unfair; yes, it was unjust; and yes, they did you wrong. But there’s nothing to be done now but forgive.

Forgive people, because they, like us, have many imperfections. They know not what they do. They don’t live up to our expectations and have had difficult pasts that we may not understand fully.

3. Let go of bitterness.

The way to let go of bitterness toward others is to think of the many positive qualities and experiences you’ve had with them.

Your ex is not an evil person; they just weren’t the best person for you.

Instead of being stuck on their flaws and wrongdoings, allow the power of forgiveness to overlook what they’ve ‘done’ to you. Look at what good they’ve done, how much they’ve helped you be a better person, and the happy times you had together.

Remind yourself of their redeeming qualities. See their light.

4. Let go of resentments.

We let go of self pity and resentments by being more grateful.

Not only be thankful to your ex and the relationship you shared, but start living a life filled with gratefulness.

Notice the small things and the big things that are constantly occurring around you.

Appreciate the kind gesture, the words of encouragement, and the favorable circumstances that unfold in your life.

Making a small gratitude list as you start or end the day can help you move from focusing on resentments to focusing on thankfulness.

5. Let go comparing yourself to others.

What I’ve learned is that no relationship is perfect and most relationships look good from the outside. Comparing your relationship to others isn’t very constructive.

Once again, transform bitterness toward others to gratefulness that others have found love in their lives. If others have found love, let that be a message of hope and possibility for you.

We are each on our own journeys to better understanding ourselves and loving better. Our journey is independent of anyone else’s.

Your day will come. Your broken love and loss are the seeds of true love.

6. Let go of expectations.

We’ve grown up to expect a lot of things to turn out a certain way. But like the weather and weather reports, you can’t count on sunny and bright all the time.

If we can’t expect good weather, we sure can’t expect a perfect love or a partner to behave a certain way.

The way to be happy in and out of relationships is to let go of expectations and conditions.

Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.

Be open to the magic of possibilities.

7. Let go of resistance.

Although love can be painful and heart-breaking, be willing to open your heart anyway.

Be open to meeting new people, be open to being vulnerable, and be open to falling in love again.

Love can only bloom if you’re open to love in your life. Set the intention for love to enter again.

8. Let go of being tough.

I know the feeling well. “The stronger and I am the more closed I am to others, the less likely someone else will hurt me again.”

If you close your heart and feelings to others, you may avoid pain but you’ll also miss out on happiness and joy.

Seek to be your most honest self. Instead of hiding behind a cloak of someone you’re not, be yourself in the world, which will only make you more attractive.

By being true to yourself, you’ll also attract people who are better suited for you.

Being vulnerable means being honest about your shortcomings and sharing your feelings. It’s choosing honesty over trying to look good.

9. Let go of telling the same story over and over.

You want to tell the same sad story repeatedly to friends—a love gone wrong, a love soured, a love that fell apart.

What if that story simply wasn’t true?

There are many perspectives and stories in every relationship. Are you holding onto a story of resentment and bitterness?

Are you willing to see a different story? A different perspective?

Could the lost love have helped you grow? Heal some part of yourself? Learn about an open wound?

Is the story you’re telling yourself blocking love from entering your life again?

10. Let go of fear.

The way to let go of fear is to recognize and embrace it.

How is fear holding you back? Is it keeping you stuck from living the life you want or the love you desire?

Call fear out for what it is. What is the worst that can happen if this fear came true? How likely is it that this fear will come true? Have you overcome fears like this in your past?

When you confront fear and acknowledge it for what it is, you can have an honest conversation with fear.

Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self. Even if you break up with them, they can be a conduit to healing and being made whole.

Let go of your blocks keeping you from experiencing joy. Let go and choose love again.

An unknown author wrote, When two who have suffered find each other, the bond is like steel. They become each others’ soul mates and comfort from the storm of life. At the same time, they stir the deepest, darkest desires in each other.

Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we’re gone.~Cecelia Ahern, P.S. I Love You

Because I let go and chose love again, I found my “Perfect For Me” husband to be. My forever. My left arm. My soulmate. My Mr James Garrett. PS….I Love You❤️

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7 Things You Must Leave Behind To Get Ahead in 2016

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To move forward, you have to leave some things behind.

1.Beliefs That No Longer Serve You: If you want to move forward, you have to be willing to shed the old beliefs that you hold but that no longer serve you.

2. Your Willingness To Rationalize: It’s easy to find something external on which to place the blame for the areas where your results aren’t what you want them to be.

3. Your Willingness to Procrastinate
You are not a procrastinator because there is no such thing. You are a human being who happens to procrastinate.

4. Making Small Choices: Most television is a small choice. Spending time arguing about politics is a small choice.

5. Your Desire for Comfort: Once you reach this point, you’re comfortable. And comfort is a dangerous state. You were born hungry.

6. Your Fears: This is a big one. The one thing most likely to keep you from success is fear. You might be afraid of what other people will think.

7. People Who Don’t Support You: There are some people that can’t be happy for your success.
If you want to transform yourself, you are going to need to leave part of your old self behind. That’s the price you pay for transformation, and the price you pay for becoming the person you were born to be.

Love Allison💛

10 Signs of Walking Depression

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Do you suffer from walking depression?  I read this article by Alison Gresik. While she talks about walking depression in writers and artists, I found it profoundly relevant to many everyday women I work with and coach.
On the surface, people might not know anything is wrong. You keep working and keep looking after your families.

But you’re doing it all while profoundly unhappy. Depression is negatively impacting your life and relationships and impairing your abilities.

Walking depression can be hard to recognize because it doesn’t fit the more common picture of severe depression. But it can be just as dangerous to your well-being when left unacknowledged.

1.Nothing is fun. You root around for something to look forward to and come up empty.

2. You can’t find flow. Working on your creative projects feels like a grind, but you keep plodding away. There is research that shows that neuroticism (the tendency toward negative moods) is associated with lower rates of flow.

3 Your energy is low. Maybe you’re not getting enough rest because you’re too anxious to sleep, or you’re trying to cram too many tasks into a day, or you’re punishing yourself by staying up. Whatever the reason, you are effin’ tired.

4. You feel worse in the morning and better at night. I remember explaining this to a friend, who found it mystifying. In the morning I felt the crushing weight of all the things I had to do that day. In the evening I was temporarily free from expectations and could enjoy a moment’s respite.

5. You have simmering resentment toward others. Sure, you’re still doing what everybody asks of you, but you stew in anger the whole time. You are jealous of and bitter toward people who look happier than you feel.

6. Your self-talk gets caustic. You say nasty things in an effort to shock yourself into action. You use shame as a motivator.

7. You feel distanced from people around you. It’s hard to have genuine, intimate conversations because you have to keep up this front that you are alright.

8. You deprive yourself of creative work time. This helps you exert some control and stirs up feelings of suffering that are perversely pleasurable. Also, taking on new projects that prevent you from writing or making art lets you prove to yourself that you’re still strong and capable.
9. You notice a significant mood change when you have caffeine or alcohol. A cup of coffee might make you feel a lot more revved-up and optimistic. A glass of wine might make you feel really mellow and even ~ gasp! ~ happy. (That’s how I finally realized that I was depressed.)

10. You feel like you’re wasting your life. Some people have a high sensitivity to the inherent meaning in what we do. If our daily activities don’t carry enough significance ~ if they don’t feel like a worthwhile use of our talents and passions ~ then soon we are asking ourselves,  “What’s the point? Why should I keep going?”

Why is it hard to admit that you have walking depression?

You may recognize many of these signs in your life but still be slow to admit that you are depressed. Why is that?

Because it feels presumptuous to put yourself in that category when you’re still getting by. You feel like it would be insulting to those who are much worse off than you. You may feel like you have no real reason to be depressed.

Because your pride and your identity take a hit. You have to admit vulnerability and allow that you are not the all-conquering superhero you thought you were.

Because you realize that you and your life need to change, which feels like more work piled on your plate.

Because you are admitting your own responsibility for your unhappiness and that can trigger self-judgment.

Because you might uncover grief or anger at those around you for not seeing and taking better care of you.

Prison Break Action Steps:

Rest.
Make use of medication and other physical treatments.
Do therapy.
Practice gratitude.
Make connections.
Reduce your responsibilities.
Spend time creating.
Change your thoughts.
Develop a meaning practice.
Change your life.
These steps are simple to say, not easy to do, so make sure you get as much support as you can.
As a young adult, I longed to make my mark on the world and be successful. But life got in the way, I started to sabotage my own happiness. I got sidetracked by all the demands of an ordinary life.

Soon I joined the ranks of the walking depressed. I was working and looking after my family, but I was also desperately sad.

I found the path out of depression by following my desires—to write, to travel, to support criminal justice issues and became a certified life coach. Eventually I left ordinary life behind.

Find and follow your path of desire! Walk out of walking depression and into an extraordinary life!

 

Love Allison 💛

How To Move Beyond Your Past To Create An Ex-traordinary Life

The Nicest People Have Suffered The Most Damage In Life

 

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Life tests people every day. And for reasons we don’t know, everyone gets a different test.

Some struggle with calculus; others are dealt basic math. Either way, we all have to deal with what we’ve been given. Ultimately, what we’re given is all random. Genetics, location and financial status — it’s all one big luck of the draw.

Yet whatever circumstance life throws, you get to decide if you’re going to be a victim or a survivor. You have complete control over whether life makes you sweet or sour.

And those who choose to be sweet – the survivors – are strongest.

Swiss psychiatrist and author, Elisbeth Kübler-Ross, once eloquently stated:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

In other words, nice people weren’t born nice — they made themselves that way

1. Nice people bring light into the world because they come from dark pasts.

In the world of darkness into which they were born, nice people use positivity as a lantern to create more light.

2. Nice people have often been dealt a significant amount of bad luck. They’ve been thrust into harmful situations and gripped by destructive circumstances, like toxic family members or poverty.

And they have learned not only to succeed. They’ve learned to overcome. They’ve kicked off their crutches and somehow done the impossible: They’ve taught themselves to run and catch up to everyone else in a world that does not wait for anyone.

When everyone else was gifted a 200-count Crayola box set, you might have gotten a broken Rose Art crayon. But you used that poor excuse of a wax pastel to live a colorful life anyway.

3. Nice people love the hardest  because they’ve been hurt the most.

People will probably treat you better if they’ve been hurt by a former lover.

Why does this happen? Well, people who have had their hearts shredded know what it’s like to tape the torn pieces back together. The brokenhearted never want to inflict emotional paper cuts on anyone else.

4. Nice people have learned the hard way that disadvantages are opportunities for growth.

It’s more than possible that a few nice people used to be pessimistic. But over time, they usually learn — the hard way — how to be positive.

Perhaps they came to realize that every little thing that seems to pull them down in life eventually becomes a stepping stone to success.

Perhaps dealing with an alcoholic brother taught someone the empathy and patience to deal with recovering addicts. Many therapists learned from a young age how to relate to people who are in pain.

In this way, nice people construct staircases from quicksand.

5. Nice people don’t want others to hurt in the way they’ve been hurt.

Nice people might have been teased for having freckles, big ears or acne. Maybe a physical disability makes them feel invisible to other people. Maybe an invisible disability itself prevents them from getting the care that they need. And because they know what it’s like to feel tormented, they’d never want to cause anyone else that same kind of pain.

In this way, kindness emerges from those who have only known cruelty.

Instead of harassing others, nice people break the cyclical nature of insensitivity. They give compliments and words of encouragement. They want others to feel truly beautiful and confident instead of ugly and hurt. They already know what that’s like, and they wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemies.

6. Nice people choose to be survivors who help others stay afloat.

Nice people can deal with any situation thrown their way. They know they can survive anything, because they already have. All of their scars are simply evidence that they can heal from new scrapes.

If anything ever knocks them over, they just shoot right back up and keep going. Knowing that they can endure, these nice people try to do what they can to help others pull ahead.

In the race of life, most runners usually only look out for and focus on themselves. But people who have suffered look out for people who might be going through similar struggles.

They cheer friends on, share their water bottles and motivate others to run with them.

They become the helping hand that they wished they’d had for themselves.

 

Love Allison 💛

5 “Don’ts” of Practicing Gratitude

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There are times when an attitude of gratitude may backfire 💛

Gratitude is good. Good for your health and well-being. Good for your relationships. In fact, I’ve written about the benefits of gratitude. But research suggests that gratitude is not always good. Focusing on what you have instead of what you have-not is generally a good idea, but there are times when feeling grateful may backfire. Here are five “don’ts” when it comes practicing the attitude of gratitude:

1. Don’t focus on feeling grateful for someone or something who isn’t worthy.

If you are in a bad relationship with someone who is emotionally or physically abusing you, or who just can’t make you happy, focusing on gratitude may be the wrong choice. This could be a romantic partner, a boss, or a roommate, or some other living situation more generally. By focusing on all the ways you appreciate your partner/boss/roommate you may choose to stay where you are when you should be focusing on finding a way to get out of an unhealthy situation.

2. Don’t overdose on gratitude.

When it comes to keeping track of your gratitude, the adage “more is better” doesn’t necessarily apply. If you set too high of a goal for your gratitude, you may find yourself falling short, which paradoxically could leave you feeling less grateful and happy than if you hadn’t tracked your gratitude at all. In a study of gratitude journaling, people who tracked their gratitude once per week were happier after six weeks, whereas those who wrote tracked their gratitude three times per week were not. If you find yourself hesitating when putting pen to paper, you may begin to think your life isn’t that good or you don’t have that much to be grateful for. If that is the case, take a step back and focus on quality over quantity.

3. Don’t use gratitude to avoid a serious problem.

Gratitude helps you focus on what is important instead of getting caught up in the little annoyances of everyday life; however, not all problems are little annoyances, and focusing your attention on things you appreciate may provide you with relief from serious problems, but the relief will only be temporary. In cases like these, a negative emotion like anger may actually be more constructive. In one study of romantic couples, expressing anger was more beneficial than being positive when discussing a severe problem because the anger helped them address and resolve the issue rather than sweeping it under the rug.

4. Don’t downplay your own successes through excessive gratitude.

After something good happens to you, you will only benefit from thinking about and thanking the people who helped make it possible. But of equal importance is acknowledging your own role in the process. If you are someone who focuses on thanking everyone else and downplays your own hard work and talent to a fault, you may be hiding low self-esteem behind your gratitude. Don’t let gratitude get in the way of appropriately taking credit for your own part in your success.

5. Don’t mistake gratitude for indebtedness.

Gratitude is the positive emotion you feel when someone else helps you out. Indebtedness, on the other hand, generally leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth – someone helped you and now you owe them. If you mistake feelings of gratitude for indebtedness, you may find yourself working hard to repay a favor not to express your appreciation but to take the weight of a debt off your shoulders. In close relationships, this need to repay tit-for-tat can actually lead to negative feelings between partners. Repaying someone who matters to you too quickly may be a sign that you don’t want a close relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving💛

Love Allison