Are you constantly disappointed by people? Find out why…..

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“She didn’t even bother to call me on my special day! It was the first day of my new job and my friend just didn’t remember!” said Angie, my thirty-four year old client. “I cannot believe how forgetful she is. I thought by now she would learn that these things hurt me so much!” Angie fretted and fumed for most of the session, venting about how her best friend constantly disappointed her.
I could see how painful this was for Angie; how troubled and hurt she was by what she perceived were her friend’s neglectful ways.
After much empathizing and commiserating, I said to her, “What if, instead of reacting to your friend as if she were the “bad” one, we turned our eyes inward and asked ourselves if we were actually the ones who were creating our own grief.”
Angie immediately pounced on me (as I knew she would), “How am I the “bad” one? How am I creating my own grief?”
I said to her, “You are first creating your own suffering because you are expecting something of her that she is unable to give. You are placing on her a burden that she is ill-prepared to fulfill. Did you ever think of it in these terms?”
Angie took a long time to grasp what I was saying.
When she finally understood, she said, “You are right. She has always been this way. And I have always resented her for it. It is like a habit that we have both fallen into. I prefer to whine and complain because it is so familiar to me. It is far more enjoyable to believe that I am the victim of my friend than taking the time to understand her. But once I do, I see how freeing it is. It feels weird but definitely free.” -Prison Break💛
Many of my clients are like Angie. They take a long time to understand what I am saying. Let’s take it a bit more slowly…
We all grow up in an imperfect world. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. Even the most conscious of parents is going to miss meeting their children’s needs some of the time – let’s not even begin talking about the unconscious ones!
Safe to say, that each one of us grows up with some of our core needs missing – some more extremely than others. As our imperfect parents were unable to meet these needs, we were not only left with an empty void in its place but also, without the tools to meet them for ourselves.
Quite naturally, we look to others – people or substances – to fill this need. The degree to which we turn to external objects and people depends on how great our inner schism is…how big the inner emotional void.
As we unconsciously scavenge the earth for the salve to soothe our wounds, we almost feel entitled to demand that the object of our obsessions meet our needs. When they don’t – as they inevitably cannot heal these primitive wounds – we enter into great resentment and even rage when the fantasy of rescue fails to come true.
It is this inner neediness that creates dysfunction in most relationships. It causes us to see others as a fantasy-salve – instead of limited mortals – and then, when the salve back-fires, we enter great turmoil and anger.
When relationships are predicated on the expectation that a need should be met by the other person, it will always go awry.
Unmet inner need = unrealistic fantasy of object or person = unmet expectations = resentment and rage = conflict and despair = dysfunction and self-sabotage.
Not only do we project unrealistic expectations on others, we also do the reverse: we allow ourselves to be the vessel of someone else’s unrealistic expectations. This is often called co-dependency or enabling. It occurs when we – because we are empty from within and out of touch with our authentic selves – mistakenly believe we are responsible for another person’s pain and should be part of their growth. This lack of self-worth causes us to have extremely poor boundaries.
Contrary to how it appears on the surface, when we enable another – out of a false fantasy that we can “fix” them – we are not actually “giving” them anything. We are feeding our own false fantasy that we are rescuers and magical healers. In this way, our giving is really all about our own self-absorbtion. In our own perverted way, we believe that if we “give” we will finally be seen, heard and validated. Just like one who gives the unrealistic expectation onto the other, the one who receives it is equally at “fault.” Both cripple the other under the weight of their need. Although the enabler appears more “noble” they are actually equally responsible for the dysfunction. By letting the one who dumps the expectations on them believe that they can, they allow them to depend on the enabler to “fix” them. As no one can ever “fix” another human being, both get caught up in an endless cycle of enmeshment and dependency.
It is only when we are aligned with our own authentic self and power that we will end this unhealthy dynamic of searching for emotional security from a source external to ourselves.
It is only when we are aware of our own inner needs and seek to meet these needs on our own that we will be able to engage in healthy relationships with other whole and healthy individuals.
When we are clear that we are own resource for healing and that no-one and I mean no-one can heal us from our past except ourselves – we will free others of the burden of fixing and filling us up.
When we are filled up from within we will not allow another human being to be dependent on us and will not desire to be needed beyond what is healthy. We will allow our loved ones to love us yes, and even need us when there is a true need, but we will resist the desire to be seen as a savior, a martyr, or a rescuer.
Many women especially need to un-learn many of their conditioned patterns which have made them addicted to being seen as “the saviors” – because when they do, they actually cripple both the one they are claiming to save and at the same time, decimating their own authentic self.
People will constantly disappoint us if we are not aware of our own misplaced expectations. 99% of our disappointments stem from the fact that we had an unrealistic expectation that we unconsciously burdened the other individual with in the hopes that they would do the “work” for us – the hard work of transformation that we were not courageous enough to do for ourselves.
The only one who we can ever – and I mean ever – have expectations of is ourselves. Period. Not our parents after a certain point, not our children, and certainly not our spouses or friends. None of them came on earth to rescue us beyond a point. Sure, it is our job to take care of our loved ones, but not in a manner that creates dependency or enmeshment. Then love turns to a deadly mix of passive reliance and toxic control.
Each one of us are precisely designed to engineer our own healing. We just need to believe it and activate this healing element within us all. We are innately and enormously powerful beings – we just don’t believe we are.
It is time for us to take our own healing into our own hands. It is our responsibility to shine with the highest light force and to access our limitless capacity for courage and authenticity. When we do, we cast away toxic ties to other people or substances and begin to fly free – singular but deeply connected to our purpose here on Earth. 🌎

When Joy Feels Inappropriate

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“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

My brother died suddenly, at just 25 years old. He was gunned down in the city of Wilmington in broad daylight, a case of mistaken identity. Because he was from NY, his killer thought he was part of a NY gang and it was his mission to kill a gang member. One moment he was in the midst of a regular February day. Then one morning, he was gone. Several days later he was buried.

With things happening so fast, I found myself alternating between paralysis and intense waves of pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, and devastation. I guess we all felt this way. Only it didn’t quite look like we all did:

In between waves of sadness and silence, my children were having fun and enjoying playing outside as if nothing had happened.

It wasn’t just because they were young and didn’t quite understand what was going on. I mean, none of us could really understand this. If you’ve ever experienced a tragedy (and who hasn’t?), you know exactly what I mean.

Rather, the children were merely being themselves. They were simply going with the constantly changing flow of their emotions and expressing it spontaneously. That’s what children do.

And so they expressed the wonder of being alive as wholeheartedly and as immediately as they experienced the loss of their uncle.

We, the adults, were only able to feel and express the latter.

Does it mean that we are made of different stuff than children, then?

Not really. It’s just that most adults have great difficulties dealing with certain emotions and situations.

Joy feels inappropriate.

I’m sure you know what I mean. Whether we’re confronted by personal tragedy, an act of terror, a natural disaster, or genocide, joy just doesn’t seem to be the right response.

Even if there might be glimpses of it here and there, we fear that expressing joy might be mocking the tragedy. But that’s not necessarily true.

In fact, countless people (including myself) have experienced deep joy right in the middle of tragedy, and not just in glimpses.

Don’t get this wrong. You’re not joyful because of the tragedy. You are joyful because you are “heart-broken open,” as Kristine Carlson calls it.

In this sudden state of openness there is a sense of deep love and a degree of emotional nakedness that we don’t usually expose to each other. Being in such a space together, being so present, so connected with each other, so united across all differences, is indeed joyful, in a mellow sort of way.

And yet, many who experience such joy keep it secret, simply because it feels wrong somehow, even if nothing could be more right.

Remember, “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” And discovering who you are includes discovering that you are all your emotions, not just some of them.

So let’s replace the idea that joy is inappropriate with something that is closer to truth!

3 Reasons to Bring Joy Back into Your Life

Reason #1: Joy is your nature.

Joy flows from the same source as love and peace; it flows from your heart.

Would you want to deny your loved ones your love and your peace? Of course not. Then please, don’t deny yourself your joy either.

Don’t push it either. When sadness comes, allow your tears to flow. When joy comes, allow your smile to shine. That’s how it is supposed to be. It’s your nature; it’s who you are.

Reason #2: Joy is your light.

Joy is the light within.

Would you want to deny your loved ones that light? Of course not. Then please, accept it for yourself as well. When it shines, you can see the path in front of you, even if just one step ahead.

One step at a time, toward light—isn’t that a fine way to respond to tragedy?

Reason #3: Joy is your power.

The deep joy flowing within you is a healing force. Its warmth has the power to melt the inner paralysis. Its energy has the power to fuel your journey toward a life in alignment with your heart’s desire.

Would you want to deny your loved ones that? Of course not. Then don’t deny yourself the power of your joy either. Because your heart’s true desire is to live, and to feel joy.

But how? After tragedy, how do you even open your heart and mind to joy?

It depends on who you are. In other words, discovering who you really are also means finding your way back to joy.

 

Love Allie💛

 

 

7 Signs Your Friend is Jealous and What to Do about it

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One of the worst dynamics that can kill a friendship is jealousy. If one friend is jealous of the other, it inevitably can ruin the friendship, or at least negatively impact it. Sometimes, however, when a friend is jealous, and they don’t want it to show, it can come out in very strange ways that may not seem obvious to the casual observer. In order to help you identify jealousy in your friendship, here are some examples to look for:

The Slough-Off: You tell your friend some good news and instead of reacting joyfully for you, your friend sloughs it off and makes it seem as though it is not “all that.”
When people don’t feel good about where they are in their own lives, they make themselves feel better by acting as though other people’s good fortune isn’t so great or exciting.

The Friendly Ghost: When individuals are jealous, they may feel less inclined to spend time with those individuals who are happy or doing well, and as a result, disappear or become extremely busy. Why? Your happiness is a constant reminder that they are unhappy and as a result, they rather stay away.

Positive Negative: When some individuals are jealous, they may find a way to counteract your positive with a negative. This is similar to the slough-off, but instead of ignoring your positive news or accomplishment, your friend counters it with a negative. For instance, if you show a friend a beautiful picture you took of your kids, your friend may say, “Well, of course the picture is good: you had good lighting and a good camera.” Her reaction implies, in a sense, that the picture was good, not because of you, but for other reasons.

Insincere Happiness: If someone knows that they are jealous, they may try to over compensate by putting on a huge grin and acting overly happy. Unfortunately, what your friend doesn’t realize is that this type of behavior seems very unnatural and insincere.

Tears You Down: You decide that you are ready to go back to work after being a full-time, stay-at-home mom. Instead of being happy for you, your friend tells you that going back to work makes you a bad parent. If your friend constantly makes you feel bad about your decisions in life, they may be doing so to feel better about their own decisions and about themselves.

Lack of Support: This is demonstrated when you rely on friends to help you achieve something that is important to you and they fall extremely short in delivering. They can either come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t help you, or worse, they promise to help but don’t.

Constant Discouragement: This happens when your friend tells you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t or CAN’T do something, instead of encouraging you to “go for it.”

In general, if every time you succeed at something or have good news and your friend acts distant, strangely or dismissive, it might mean that they are jealous. Or, if you find it awkward or difficult to talk to your friend about things that make you happy or that you’re involved with, it might mean there is a little green-eyed-monster. It is important, however, to remember that if you are experiencing any of these behaviors or traits in your friendship, it may not mean the friendship is completely over. Here are a few things to consider:

Self Evaluate: First evaluate the situation and spend some time practicing self-awareness. Are you doing anything that could be intensifying feelings of jealousy? Is your friend in a bad place in his or her life? Should you be considering their feelings or be sensitive to their needs? When things are going great for us, it is sometimes easy to forget that others may not be as fortunate. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes so that you can better identify why they may be feeling the way they do.
Communicate: Open up a dialogue with your friend. If you have a sense as to why they may be feeling the way they do, let them know you understand how they must feel going through their personal challenges. Once you let them know that you are sensitive to their feelings, let them know how you feel. Explain that you are there for them, but hope that they can be happy for you, even though they are in a rough spot.
Bridge the Differences: Once everything is out on the table. Think through ways you can deal with this together. If your friend is receptive to the conversation, that is a good sign. If, however, they become defensive and point fingers instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, you may need to reevaluate the friendship.
Does jealousy exist in your friendships? How have you handled it? What was the outcome?

*http://sheerbalance.com/7-signs-your-friend-is-jealous-and-what-to-do-about-i

Are You Carrying Emotional Baggage?

Free Yourself
So, how do you eliminate your baggage once and for all?

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1. Accept Your Past For What It Is
This is where you need to be brutally honest with yourself and accept that the past cannot be changed. You need to make peace with every aspect of it so you can move forward.
2. Pay Attention To The Warning Signs
If your heart is saying one thing and your head is saying another, don’t ignore it! Take note of what is happening. In fact, make a list. When you start arguing with your ex-spouse in your head even though he or she is miles away, write it down. When you daydream about being able to say, “I told you so,” because your ex-spouse is getting another divorce, write it down. When you feel you’re not worthy, write it down. Make a practical list of your baggage so you can see it with your own eyes and it becomes real.

3. Plan Your Strategy
After you’ve identified the areas you need to work on, make a simple list of practical ways you can overcome them. It can be a positive thought to counteract a negative one… a quick prayer you say to stop the fight video playing in your head, or going to the confession more often to talk to the priest about your struggle, receive the graces you need to persevere, and feel that ugly burden lifted from your shoulders. The options are endless, and only you can determine which step will be most effective for you.
Because you’ve endured the traumatic loss of your marriage, you need to make sure you are not dating anyone with the intention of finding a cure for your hurt. If you find you are doing this, I highly encourage you to withdraw from dating until you’ve dealt with that. Taking these steps will help your heart become truly free from attachments and baggage and you will eventually be ready to give it to someone else.
One last important note… there is no formal time frame for achieving this. It will be different for everyone. You are done when you are done. And remember that this process will strengthen you; it has a sort of tempering affect. If you are honest with yourself and open your heart, this important time in your life can change you for the better and make you stronger and wiser because of the experience.

How to Release and Prevent Resentment in Your Relationships

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“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”

We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.

Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.

The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.

The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.

Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.

If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.

In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.

Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed toward.

It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.

Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.

I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.

By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.

Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.

Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.

At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”

In truth, I was terrified of rejection.

This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.

As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.

At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.

I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.

It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.

After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.

Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.

Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.

To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.

If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:

Express yourself

When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?

Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.

Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.

For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion; however, if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.

When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.

This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.

The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:

“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”

When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.

Communicate your feelings

It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.

But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.

The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.

Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.

Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

When we forgive, we stop letting our pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.

Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.

We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.

 

Detach From The Outcome

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I read an article by Gabby Bernstein and she encourages us to “get honest with yourself right now” and asks a question. In what ways are you obsessing over an outcome?

Are you attached to something happening in the timeframe you’re comfortable with?

Are you fixated on someone doing something in the way you want?

You may be trying to control an outcome in an effort to avoid anxiety. You think that something HAS to go a certain way, and you imagine that if things don’t play out the way you want that it will be a disaster.

If we want to manifest the reality we want, we must be in an energy of detachment. We must be willing to allow and receive and we must trust in God. 💛

 

Are You Addicted To Drama?

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Do you find your relationships mirroring daytime soap operas? If you’re hooked on the adrenaline rush that comes along with the emotional roller coaster you’ve found yourself on, it might be time to get off the ride and start taking steps to be drama-free. Read on to see if you’re addicted to drama and what you can do to move on.

 

You Create Needless Drama in your Life Your partner doesn’t answer your phone call so you send countless angry text messages or perhaps your date is running a few minutes late so the first thing you do when you see him is berate him with words. Sure, your partner might have stirred up the conflict but adding fuel to the fire doesn’t help. What will your angry text messages accomplish besides provoking a negative response? What will starting off your date as the antagonist solve?

It’s not wrong to be upset that your partner didn’t call you back or is late for a date but before jumping to dramatic conclusions, take a step back and ask why he didn’t pick up the phone or was late before assuming the worst.
You Crave Attention                                        You might be using the attention, albeit negative, to affirm that you’re loved or concerned for. Think about the reaction you’re looking for and find the motivation behind what you are craving. Does a turbulent relationship give you a feeling of rush and excitement? Take the energy and excitement you get from the drama and place those feelings into improving your career, working out or taking up a new hobby.

You Can’t walk Away
Many people equate getting in the last word with winning the argument. In fact, some arguments are better put to rest at the moment, giving time for both parties to walk away and de-intensify the situation. If you find yourself letting the argument heighten, take a step back and tell your partner you’d rather take time for both of you to cool off and revisit the discussion another time, when the situation’s intense emotions have waned.

If you feel you might be addicted to drama it’s time to examine your past before you can work on your future. Take a look at the good parts of your prior relationships and what worked and what didn’t. Notice how you promoted the drama and what you can do in your next or current relationship to avoid it. In a relationship both partners should be actively trying to have most of the time they spend together to be positive and satisfying. There will be differences but if you’re choosing to provoke those occurrences or hold onto them, perhaps what you really want is the chaos and attention and not the other person.

EHarmony

Are you in persuit of happYness?

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Dr Jill Webber, clinical psychologist believes that the endless pursuit of the perfect match may reveal a misguided quest for self-love.

If a woman has a negative self-image and generally feels poorly about herself, she may work tirelessly to find a cure by securing a perfect match. As a result, she may find herself perpetually caught in a cycle of working to attain male desire and feeling high once it is temporarily achieved. But of course, when the match turns out not to be a good one, the high is often followed by a crushing low. All of which can play out over a few hours or a much longer period of time. When self-esteem is lacking, it is tempting to outsource a sense of self through associating with an idealized match. Unfortunately, until self-love is present within, true love and care from outside evade.

If self-esteem lags, it is easier to focus attention on finding the perfect mate than it is to develop and achieve broader goals for the self. Attaching self-esteem to a romanticized other becomes a way to feel a sense of love that perhaps a woman cannot feel for herself, in her own head. Placing romantic partners on a pedestal is a way to make up for the self-worth deficit. If the man seems confident, sexy, high achieving, then suddenly the woman feels better about herself, almost as if she is him. Failing to harness her own self-esteem, she leans heavily on his.
As a general rule of thumb, the more obsessed and ruminative a person may be about obtaining a partner or finding new romantic attention, the more depleted and inadequate they may feel about themself.

When self-love is lacking judgment becomes impaired; a woman is more desperate to couple up and is so lost in this pursuit that she has difficulty making an accurate assessment of who the person really is and if he can truly meet her needs. When partners are idealized, the illusion is destined to dissolve, leaving the woman depleted and with a greater sense of inadequacy.

Building self-love is a process. A helpful first step is to notice if you are putting all of your energy into making a relationship work or to finding the perfect match. Take a step back and consider if you are hoping someone else will provide you with something only you can develop. Ask yourself if you have a tendency to idealize your romantic partners and then are left deflated when you discover who they actually are. If you tend to camouflage what you consider unlovable about yourself through attaching to highly desirable, oh so important men, refocus, not on another potential mate, but on yourself.

Becoming More Authentic: Accept Yourself and Stop Seeking Approval

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For most of my life, I was a chameleon, hoping I’d blend in and was full of self-doubt, so I molded my personality and beliefs based on my company. I traded my authentic self for the security of being liked by my family and friends because of my fear of being judged.

I withheld what I needed from others and was unable to communicate my emotions. My frustration of not being heard turned into anger whenever I did share my feelings. In return I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and self-loathing. That was a huge price to pay so others would accept and like me.

*I become addicted to my story of the “broken girl” who  compromised her integrity because her voice and emotions were neglected by her parents. I used my victim story to serve as an excuse for my bad behavior.

If I was “perceived” as a victim, I didn’t have to be held accountable for my bad choices.

I learned how to use others to get the love and attention I didn’t give myself. I defined my self-worth by comparing myself to others. I tried to be perceived as “perfect,” so I created unattainable standards that left me disconnected.

During my mid twenties I became exhausted of worrying about being inconsistent and acting differently around different people. I became disconnected to others and wasn’t able to cultivate meaningful relationships.

It requires real vulnerability to be authentic. What if I show my true colors and people don’t like the real me? Honestly, even when I decided to be a writer I thought  about people reading about my flaws it scared the bejesus out of me.

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From the outside my life looked great, but on the inside I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was ready to create a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

I realized the world needs us to show up and share our gifts.

There is more risk hiding our gifts from the world than expressing them. Our unexpressed ideas, dreams and gifts don’t go away. They destroy our worthiness and confidence.

There is no shortcut to authenticity. It requires commitment and real inner work. I dove deeply into my emotional mess and started feeling the pain I had repressed. I made the daily commitment to take the following steps to be more authentic:

Step 1: Forgive and love yourself.

I had to forgive myself for my past mistakes. My ego enjoyed replaying my bad choices and punishing me by making me feel unworthy of love. By cultivating kindness towards myself, I honored and accepted the past, learned my lessons, and started loving myself.

What Can You Do: Consider how you can learn from your past so you can do better going forward. Always be kind to yourself because you can only ever do your best. Be content with that.

Step 2: Be willing to make a change and own your mistakes.

I found the willingness to embrace my imperfections and shared them with others. I started speaking and writing about my challenges. I had to acknowledge some unpleasant truths about myself. The biggest one was admitting I enjoyed my “victim” story. I felt it served me by getting me sympathy and attention from others. By humbly owning my mistakes, I repaired my self-worth and confidence.

What You can Do: Commit to making a change. Get clear and admit why you hold on to your pain. Why do you think it serves you?

Step 3: Create a daily practice.

I created a daily practice of living authentically. I took care of my mind, body, and spirit and nurtured a loving relationship with myself. I looked to those who already lived authentically and noticed a pattern of traits they master. Below, I’ve listed the most common attributes all authentic people share.

What You Can Do: If you feel disconnected or unable to speak your truth, identify which traits you need to cultivate in your life and create an intention to become authentic. Do the necessary inner work to reconnect to your truth and your authenticity will radiate through you.

The traits I’ve identified as common to authentic people:

Mindfulness.

Authentic people accept their life experiences and feel the emotions that arise. They don’t repress their feelings and let them fester up. Anxiety and guilt arise from not being present. If we doubt our ability to handle challenges in the future, we create anxiety. Guilt results from feeling bad about past mistakes or people we have hurt. Authentic people experience life challenges from a place of love, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Self-respect.

Authentic people are impeccable when they speak to themselves, about themselves and others. They are mindful of the energy behind words and believe they are worthy of love and peace of mind. They have a healthy approach to life by knowing there will always be naysayers, and their opinions don’t matter.

Courage.

Authentic people create their own rules based on the standards that resonate with them. They have the courage to live their lives based on what they believe is right. This type of empowerment gives them the inner strength to withstand temptation and build self-confidence. When you have the courage to share your shame and guilt, they no longer have power over you.

Boldness.

Authentic people don’t allow their fears to prevent them being themselves. If you are focused on being true to yourself in every moment, you are less concerned about the potential for rejection from others. Nothing is more liberating than being yourself as fully as you know how.

Being authentic is a daily practice. It is a moment-by-moment choice of embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it with the world. When you have nothing to hide and you can freely be yourself with everyone, there is a profound peace and confidence you will exude to the world.

Will you join me on the path to authenticity?

Please comment and share.

Love Ali 💛

 

I Have A Shocking Confession

Prison Break Coach

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I have a confession that may shock you!

I love the little mermaid and even more the song Part Of Your World- (Mainly because my daughter Jayda played the VHS over and over and over and sang this song 10 times a day😘)

….When’s it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world….

Ok. Not so shocking. That’s not the confession though. I confess that there have been times in my life when I can admit to being totally jealous of pretty much everything and everyone who was happy…..because I wasn’t. I often asked “when’s it my turn?”. I longed to be a part of “that” world.

Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior. It begins with awareness. Awareness allows you to see that the projected stories in your mind are…

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