How to Release and Prevent Resentment in Your Relationships

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“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”

We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.

Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.

The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.

The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.

Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.

If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.

In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.

Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed toward.

It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.

Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.

I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.

By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.

Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.

Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.

At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”

In truth, I was terrified of rejection.

This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.

As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.

At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.

I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.

It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.

After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.

Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.

Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.

To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.

If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:

Express yourself

When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?

Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.

Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.

For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion; however, if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.

When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.

This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.

The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:

“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”

When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.

Communicate your feelings

It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.

But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.

The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.

Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.

Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

When we forgive, we stop letting our pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.

Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.

We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.

 

Detach From The Outcome

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I read an article by Gabby Bernstein and she encourages us to “get honest with yourself right now” and asks a question. In what ways are you obsessing over an outcome?

Are you attached to something happening in the timeframe you’re comfortable with?

Are you fixated on someone doing something in the way you want?

You may be trying to control an outcome in an effort to avoid anxiety. You think that something HAS to go a certain way, and you imagine that if things don’t play out the way you want that it will be a disaster.

If we want to manifest the reality we want, we must be in an energy of detachment. We must be willing to allow and receive and we must trust in God. 💛

 

Are You Addicted To Drama?

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Do you find your relationships mirroring daytime soap operas? If you’re hooked on the adrenaline rush that comes along with the emotional roller coaster you’ve found yourself on, it might be time to get off the ride and start taking steps to be drama-free. Read on to see if you’re addicted to drama and what you can do to move on.

 

You Create Needless Drama in your Life Your partner doesn’t answer your phone call so you send countless angry text messages or perhaps your date is running a few minutes late so the first thing you do when you see him is berate him with words. Sure, your partner might have stirred up the conflict but adding fuel to the fire doesn’t help. What will your angry text messages accomplish besides provoking a negative response? What will starting off your date as the antagonist solve?

It’s not wrong to be upset that your partner didn’t call you back or is late for a date but before jumping to dramatic conclusions, take a step back and ask why he didn’t pick up the phone or was late before assuming the worst.
You Crave Attention                                        You might be using the attention, albeit negative, to affirm that you’re loved or concerned for. Think about the reaction you’re looking for and find the motivation behind what you are craving. Does a turbulent relationship give you a feeling of rush and excitement? Take the energy and excitement you get from the drama and place those feelings into improving your career, working out or taking up a new hobby.

You Can’t walk Away
Many people equate getting in the last word with winning the argument. In fact, some arguments are better put to rest at the moment, giving time for both parties to walk away and de-intensify the situation. If you find yourself letting the argument heighten, take a step back and tell your partner you’d rather take time for both of you to cool off and revisit the discussion another time, when the situation’s intense emotions have waned.

If you feel you might be addicted to drama it’s time to examine your past before you can work on your future. Take a look at the good parts of your prior relationships and what worked and what didn’t. Notice how you promoted the drama and what you can do in your next or current relationship to avoid it. In a relationship both partners should be actively trying to have most of the time they spend together to be positive and satisfying. There will be differences but if you’re choosing to provoke those occurrences or hold onto them, perhaps what you really want is the chaos and attention and not the other person.

EHarmony

Are you in persuit of happYness?

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Dr Jill Webber, clinical psychologist believes that the endless pursuit of the perfect match may reveal a misguided quest for self-love.

If a woman has a negative self-image and generally feels poorly about herself, she may work tirelessly to find a cure by securing a perfect match. As a result, she may find herself perpetually caught in a cycle of working to attain male desire and feeling high once it is temporarily achieved. But of course, when the match turns out not to be a good one, the high is often followed by a crushing low. All of which can play out over a few hours or a much longer period of time. When self-esteem is lacking, it is tempting to outsource a sense of self through associating with an idealized match. Unfortunately, until self-love is present within, true love and care from outside evade.

If self-esteem lags, it is easier to focus attention on finding the perfect mate than it is to develop and achieve broader goals for the self. Attaching self-esteem to a romanticized other becomes a way to feel a sense of love that perhaps a woman cannot feel for herself, in her own head. Placing romantic partners on a pedestal is a way to make up for the self-worth deficit. If the man seems confident, sexy, high achieving, then suddenly the woman feels better about herself, almost as if she is him. Failing to harness her own self-esteem, she leans heavily on his.
As a general rule of thumb, the more obsessed and ruminative a person may be about obtaining a partner or finding new romantic attention, the more depleted and inadequate they may feel about themself.

When self-love is lacking judgment becomes impaired; a woman is more desperate to couple up and is so lost in this pursuit that she has difficulty making an accurate assessment of who the person really is and if he can truly meet her needs. When partners are idealized, the illusion is destined to dissolve, leaving the woman depleted and with a greater sense of inadequacy.

Building self-love is a process. A helpful first step is to notice if you are putting all of your energy into making a relationship work or to finding the perfect match. Take a step back and consider if you are hoping someone else will provide you with something only you can develop. Ask yourself if you have a tendency to idealize your romantic partners and then are left deflated when you discover who they actually are. If you tend to camouflage what you consider unlovable about yourself through attaching to highly desirable, oh so important men, refocus, not on another potential mate, but on yourself.

Becoming More Authentic: Accept Yourself and Stop Seeking Approval

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For most of my life, I was a chameleon, hoping I’d blend in and was full of self-doubt, so I molded my personality and beliefs based on my company. I traded my authentic self for the security of being liked by my family and friends because of my fear of being judged.

I withheld what I needed from others and was unable to communicate my emotions. My frustration of not being heard turned into anger whenever I did share my feelings. In return I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and self-loathing. That was a huge price to pay so others would accept and like me.

*I become addicted to my story of the “broken girl” who  compromised her integrity because her voice and emotions were neglected by her parents. I used my victim story to serve as an excuse for my bad behavior.

If I was “perceived” as a victim, I didn’t have to be held accountable for my bad choices.

I learned how to use others to get the love and attention I didn’t give myself. I defined my self-worth by comparing myself to others. I tried to be perceived as “perfect,” so I created unattainable standards that left me disconnected.

During my mid twenties I became exhausted of worrying about being inconsistent and acting differently around different people. I became disconnected to others and wasn’t able to cultivate meaningful relationships.

It requires real vulnerability to be authentic. What if I show my true colors and people don’t like the real me? Honestly, even when I decided to be a writer I thought  about people reading about my flaws it scared the bejesus out of me.

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From the outside my life looked great, but on the inside I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was ready to create a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

I realized the world needs us to show up and share our gifts.

There is more risk hiding our gifts from the world than expressing them. Our unexpressed ideas, dreams and gifts don’t go away. They destroy our worthiness and confidence.

There is no shortcut to authenticity. It requires commitment and real inner work. I dove deeply into my emotional mess and started feeling the pain I had repressed. I made the daily commitment to take the following steps to be more authentic:

Step 1: Forgive and love yourself.

I had to forgive myself for my past mistakes. My ego enjoyed replaying my bad choices and punishing me by making me feel unworthy of love. By cultivating kindness towards myself, I honored and accepted the past, learned my lessons, and started loving myself.

What Can You Do: Consider how you can learn from your past so you can do better going forward. Always be kind to yourself because you can only ever do your best. Be content with that.

Step 2: Be willing to make a change and own your mistakes.

I found the willingness to embrace my imperfections and shared them with others. I started speaking and writing about my challenges. I had to acknowledge some unpleasant truths about myself. The biggest one was admitting I enjoyed my “victim” story. I felt it served me by getting me sympathy and attention from others. By humbly owning my mistakes, I repaired my self-worth and confidence.

What You can Do: Commit to making a change. Get clear and admit why you hold on to your pain. Why do you think it serves you?

Step 3: Create a daily practice.

I created a daily practice of living authentically. I took care of my mind, body, and spirit and nurtured a loving relationship with myself. I looked to those who already lived authentically and noticed a pattern of traits they master. Below, I’ve listed the most common attributes all authentic people share.

What You Can Do: If you feel disconnected or unable to speak your truth, identify which traits you need to cultivate in your life and create an intention to become authentic. Do the necessary inner work to reconnect to your truth and your authenticity will radiate through you.

The traits I’ve identified as common to authentic people:

Mindfulness.

Authentic people accept their life experiences and feel the emotions that arise. They don’t repress their feelings and let them fester up. Anxiety and guilt arise from not being present. If we doubt our ability to handle challenges in the future, we create anxiety. Guilt results from feeling bad about past mistakes or people we have hurt. Authentic people experience life challenges from a place of love, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Self-respect.

Authentic people are impeccable when they speak to themselves, about themselves and others. They are mindful of the energy behind words and believe they are worthy of love and peace of mind. They have a healthy approach to life by knowing there will always be naysayers, and their opinions don’t matter.

Courage.

Authentic people create their own rules based on the standards that resonate with them. They have the courage to live their lives based on what they believe is right. This type of empowerment gives them the inner strength to withstand temptation and build self-confidence. When you have the courage to share your shame and guilt, they no longer have power over you.

Boldness.

Authentic people don’t allow their fears to prevent them being themselves. If you are focused on being true to yourself in every moment, you are less concerned about the potential for rejection from others. Nothing is more liberating than being yourself as fully as you know how.

Being authentic is a daily practice. It is a moment-by-moment choice of embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it with the world. When you have nothing to hide and you can freely be yourself with everyone, there is a profound peace and confidence you will exude to the world.

Will you join me on the path to authenticity?

Please comment and share.

Love Ali 💛

 

I Have A Shocking Confession

Prison Break Coach

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I have a confession that may shock you!

I love the little mermaid and even more the song Part Of Your World- (Mainly because my daughter Jayda played the VHS over and over and over and sang this song 10 times a day😘)

….When’s it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world….

Ok. Not so shocking. That’s not the confession though. I confess that there have been times in my life when I can admit to being totally jealous of pretty much everything and everyone who was happy…..because I wasn’t. I often asked “when’s it my turn?”. I longed to be a part of “that” world.

Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior. It begins with awareness. Awareness allows you to see that the projected stories in your mind are…

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Stop Blaming The Devil

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I’ve always known this but have been reminded in a few lessons in these past couple of weeks. It’s not always the devil that causes life to go awry. We have a part to play in choosing the path.

Heres 5 Things we can stop blaming the devil for:

1. Stop Blaming The Devil  For Everything That Goes Wrong In Our Lives.
Not everything bad that happens in your life is The devil’s fault. There are so many decisions that people make that lead to consequences that effect many people. That is not to say that evil doesn’t exist – it does. But blaming the devil for everything is a bad practice. Let’s not focus on what has already been defeated.

2. Stop Blaming The Devil For Unwise Decisions.
I hear people blame the devil because they have made a bad decision. For example,  Your car running out of gas is ‘nothin but the devil’  Really? Really? You ran out of gas because you didn’t put gas in your car. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. James 1:5 NLT

3. Stop Blaming The Devil For Giving Into Temptation.
We all are tempted, but The devil never forces us to give into that temptation. Because of Jesus’ victory over Satan on the Cross, we don’t have to give into the temptation. I hear people blaming Satan all the time for their giving into temptation, blaming him for their moral failures instead of taking responsiblity for their decision.

4. Stop Blaming The Devil For Our Lack of Leadership.
Programs and events succeed and sometimes they fail. But don’t blame the devil for your failed event or program. Often times it is a lack of leadership that is the problem. When we blame the devil for things that were our responsibility, we miss out on the leadership lesson that needs to be learned.

5. Allowing Unforgiveness In Your Heart. Forgiveness is the best weapon against the enemy’s attacks on our relationships. As long as we allow unforgiveness to permanently reside in the heart, it gives him a permanent foothold to torment the soul. While God can encourage us to do this for our own benefit, He can’t force us. On the other hand, the devil can’t force you to hold on to unforgiveness. It is an act of the will and has to be given freely in order to heal and release life.

What do you need to stop blaming the devil for?