Dealing with a breakup always sucks. In my coaching session’s there are always a great number of women who find themselves unable to get past a breakup, someone leaving them or having difficulty getting over a separation or divorce. While everyone deals with post breakup differently, I found that the core common issue and biggest mistake most women made was the same. The seeked closure.
I know your thinking ‘isn’t that what I am supposed to do?’ It’s what many of us have been taught, me included, however I found a different approach to ‘seeking closure’. In any life situation it very rarely serves in helping you get through it.
Reaching out to an ex to try to get validation and closure spells potential rejection. You have no idea how they’ll react to seeing or hearing from you. If your ex wants nothing to do with you or has already moved on, you might end up feeling worse than you already do. Some of my clients have gotten constructive feedback from an ex, however, they often still don’t feel satisfied. The ego may say in that situation that you will never be at peace until he comes back. But think about it this way.
Peace is not determined by any circumstances outside of us. Peace stems from forgiveness. Pain does not come from the love that we are denied by others, but rather from the love that WE deny THEM. We are not really hurt by what someone else did, we end up closing our heart because of their closed heart and its our own denial of love that hurts.
A shift in your thinking would allow you to keep an open heart regardless of whats going on around you. Growth is about focusing on our own lessons.
When I was going through my own divorce, there was a period where I wanted answers, demanded to know why, expected an apology and an explanation as to how and why he could say he didn’t want to be married anymore. I wanted closure! (and wanted to punch him in the face but thats another post) But as I seeked answers from within I realized it didn’t really matter. The WHY didn’t really matter. Even the most educated, sincere and heartfelt answer would never be ‘good enough’.
As long as I was obsessed with his guilt I could not be at peace and move forward with my own life. As a life coach, I understood that when people behave unlovingly it’s merely because they have forgotten who they are. This Prison Break Coach had to not only understand that his behavior was because he has forgotten who he was, I had to be reminded of who I was. It’s often said divorce is like a death, and just like there is likely no “closure” to losing a loved one, seeking closure in an ended relationship is similar.
Cut ties and give yourself—and your mind—time to heal. The more you’re talking to or seeing him, the more your brain is engaging with your ex. Delete him from your phone, Facebook, Instagram, etc. Ask your friends to refrain from sharing any information about your ex if they are engaging with him in social networks as well. I had to ask my friends, (I kinda threatened them), to stop telling me about the pictures he was posting. It only made me think of how I still wanted closure. Do whatever you need to do to get your focus on YOU and YOUR lesson.
I also started an exercise and it served as my daily reminder to deal with my own change in thinking. My phone would ring everyday as if I had an appointment.
I forgive you (name) and I release you to the Holy Spirit.
This helped me to not focus on my ex’s behavior but to focus on my own feelings instead. It wasn’t overnight but overtime healing was evident.
Know that you cant change him, you cant change other people, or what has happened in the past, however, you can choose to see things differently. Relationships are assignments and opportunities for learning. Instead of praying for someone wonderful, pray that you are enlightened on how wonderful you are. Take responsibility for your own pain. When a relationship does not work out, for whatever reason, its natural to be disappointed. The idea of getting closure is just that….. and idea. Instead know who you are, do what you love, and maintain an open heart, increasing the opportunity to begin again. Healing begins in the present, not in the past.
Please share with others. We all know someone still experiencing the need for closure in a relationship in the past. Whether the breakup was 15 days ago or 15 years ago, the choice to heal can begin today.